I am scared, nervous, anxious and afraid. I am transitioning into a place in life I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be, and yet I am afraid to enter this place. I am literally, and figuratively, one step away from accomplishing independence within myself. I am coming out of the “unknown territory” and onto a path, although new, is one I’ve always envisioned to be on. Yes, it is new, yes, it is independence, but it is very scary to me because I am stepping onto this path on my own. My mentors, so to speak, are PUSHING me to do what they have been teaching me on my own, without their handholding in guidance. They are not telling me to go NOW, they are still saying as always to go on my own pace, but they are encouraging me to just DO IT, because they know I am physically ready for it, it is just the mental part I have to get out of the way.
Yes, I am being very vague, because I do not want to admit in words what I am afraid of, because it seems so petty… but, here it goes.
I am in my mid-twenties and have recently started driving, currently still only with a family member helping me, but I have yet to drive completely on my own. I am almost ready for that step, and it is scary for me. I am not use to doing ANYTHING without guidance. This is a first big step to doing something completely on my own, other than of course my artwork (writing, drawing, that only requires my imagination and writing ability, something I can keep secret and to myself…).
I am now stepping out of my fantasy world and into the ‘real’ world, and I am still resisting. I have obtained a new job, one that will require me to actually drive to go to client’s homes. This is a job closer associated to the degree I obtained in May of 2014. This job will also require (after a brief training, of course) me to make decisions on my own as well, with little supervision, something once again outside my comfort zone.
I am FINALLY moving forward on my path with little hesitation, but that old pattern of behavior of resisting, waiting, and fear still likes to poke through. Anxiety has always been an issue of mine, and if I want to think of it in a clinical perspective, I think it is situational anxiety, resistance to change. I am so use to my ways of being and SOMEHOW getting through in life on my intuition and on my own, slow and steady (like the turtle and hare), taking my sweet time. But life is telling me to act NOW, with no hesitation or analyzing, just DO IT (like the Nike saying).
I need to just DO IT. I need my OWN life, though I am not trapped like I use to feel for so many years in my childhood, when I felt so alone because I secluded myself from others… when I began to develop my ‘fantasy world’, the many parts of me, that are turning into characters in future novels…
I know that world in side me will always be there. Now I am to balance external reality with my internal reality. It is all part of the art of life, nothing old, nothing new about it. It’s exciting and scary all at once, but even through challenges it is an enjoyable ride.