I’m Too Old to Know Everything

~time flies by, on the wings of a butterfly ~

Picture found at Friendly Fairy Tales | Celebrating Nature and Magic for Kids of all Ages

May 5th 2010 

Time Flies By 

Time flies so high 

Can you see it? 

Too late, it’s gone 

Gone for good 

Time flies by 

Gone are those bittersweet years of childhood 

Hello to the days of my youth, slowly slipping by. 

Time, oh how it flies on by 

Never waiting for me to catch up. 

Never letting me grow up. 

Oh, how I wish I could catch the hands of time. 

Wish I could stop them. Stop them for a little while. 

So I can have a chance to catch up. 

Catch up to the years I am letting slip by. 

Oh how I wish I knew why 

Knew why time flies by. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been reflecting a lot on my past experiences, as of late, since the last Solar Eclipse, if I calculated the dates accurately. I am currently in a new phase in my life, past the days of my ‘Youth” when this armature poem was written. I am well into my young adulthood years now, and on to my long-term career path, which is an accumulation of all my past experiences.  

My early environment as a child and teen created my view on my career path as a therapist. I have a Master’s Degree in Social Work, and have a desire to be more than the traditional therapist. The desire to be more than the traditional therapist has led me to pursue a clinical license in social work, to open my own practice: Integrated therapy, for both children, families and adults – trauma informed – influenced by Yogic Concepts of mindfulness, meditation, and asana movement. We will see where this desire and insight goes. Yet, still, self-doubt resides within me, as I am developing my website and ways to promote myself. Once I hit ‘publish’, what then? I feel, like a deer in headlights… I am now exposed! 

The repetitive negative core beliefs still re-surface: Am I good enough? Am I confident enough? Am I competent enough? AM I ENOUGH? AM I WORTHY OF THIS? What if I fail… What if… what if…. 

What ifs are created by 0 action steps. The more I sit in self-doubt, the more I hide in my comfortable cocoon of anxiety that erupts and shines light on the negative core beliefs I felt were part of me for so long: In my depressive years in my late teens/early twenties, where I avoided physical social interaction with others and reverted to online relationships (all platonic, my intent wasn’t to date, just to connect. Connection, I desired. So easy to hide behind an online persona, rather than to embrace the authentic ME); the flings, friends with benefits I obtained and still struggle with letting go (to an extent) from my mid-twenties onward (connection of any kind, even toxic, is better than 0 right? It’s better to give myself away to someone to abuse my light, than to shine it on myself, right? I can hide in the comfort of predictability).  

I am nearing halfway through collecting my supervised hours to pursue the Licensed Clinical Social Work exam – 1 more year or so. No more time to waste! Action is being made; I am following my intuition. Staying stuck – no more! 

I am ready to say – FUCK THAT – to all my insecurities. And to work WITH them, rather than against, and in time, they will shrink and turn into something deeper, authentic, past illusion. In time, I will be back to 0 – as curious as a child. 

Time still feels a head of me, like I am letting it slip by, my opportunities. But I know this is not true, nothing happens to us but for us. I am ready to say NO MORE to being meek. I am ready to show and embrace the REAL me, past this blog. I am ready to embrace the wondrous state of the ‘unknown’ – spotlight on me, subtly.  

A friendly reminder to myself and others:

Let’s be as curious as a child. Young children just GO FOR it, right? For what they want, without wondering what others will think. They GO FOR IT in confidence and stride, because they are curious, and filled with wonder. I am going back to 0, and embracing the authentic me, that is full of light and wonder – and JOY. 

Stay tuned as Inside a Soul evolves into an external business! Follow my progress here and at insideasoul.com when it is published. Stay tuned for the launching date!  

If you would like to be included on an e-mail list for a future newsletter, please send an email to: insideasoul108@gmail or in the comments below to be included. Thank you, stay well. 

P.S: What is something you just want to GO FOR, with the curiosity of a child? Comment below too!

 

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