I feel happy gazing at my apartment that has one bedroom and 1 bathroom and a kitchenette. I am happy with my full size bed, couch and arm char that are against plain white walls, facing thee 44 inch TV with a laptop beside it. I am content with the few generic brand items in the pantry.
I turn my gaze out the open window toward my Hyandi Sonata, a few years old, but in good condition. I smile, I am proud of the vehicle I earned with my own money. No car payments are a plus.
I gaze toward the homes across the street, the two-story home in particular with its white picket fence, manicured yard, and a brand-new Jeep Cruiser Cherokee. A young couple, in their late 20s to early 30s, named brand dress suits they appear to wear. They must have just got off work, and went grocery shopping together after work. Maybe they work for the city. They must have good paying jobs. Two young boys between the ages of 4 and 7 come running happily out of the home, an elderly woman with graying brown hair follows behind with a two-year-old girl who has her thumb in her mouth. This must be the children’s grandmother. The boys hug the woman who returns the hug the best she could while holding a bag of groceries under her right arm, as she walks toward the front door, husband following close behind with two arms full of groceries.
My smile turns into a frown as I peer at the happy scene before me. I imagine what they have and what I don’t: a new car, loving relationship, family of their own, secure well-paying jobs. I begin to wonder on what ifs and could bes as I think of my part-time clerk job.
I let out a sigh as I shift my stare toward my car. A small smile forms on my lips as I think of the hours I spent working at a school with SPED children, ages ranging from 6 to 10, to earn the money for the car, a steal I found on Craiglist.
I turn back to my small apartment and my smile broadens as I think about the time, energy, confusion, sadness, anger, fear and happy successes it took to earn it, a symbol of my independence. I smile, at myself, for my choices and careful reserve to not fall in and stay in an unfitting relationship to which I become pregnant and possibly miserable living a life with someone who I never wanted.
I smile as I gaze out the window, up at the clear blue sky. Yeah, I am content after all. I am content with being simply, completely, ME.
Written: July 29th, 2017 by ME