SCREAM to Freedom

I am locked inside myself
Within a world of my creation
A world only seen by me

I am locked inside myself
Inside holds worlds within worlds filled with stories to share
Worlds only seen by me

I am locked inside myself
I feel as if I am as empty as a glass
Transparent only by me

I am locked inside myself
My face wears a clown smile
Disguise to all but me

I am locked inside myself
I appear as if sunshine in a glass
But I am only a master of disguise

I am locked inside myself
Dreams I hold are faltering, expanding, yet still
Only known to me

I am locked inside myself
I will break free
I will let the world see me

I am locked inside myself
But the world will soon see me
The world will see the self behind the master of disguise

Title: Inside Myself
Written: January 9th, 2015

pinterest

[“I see your future in a glass” picture, found on pinterest]

~*~

I was depressed by the age of 10, when I hit puberty, and my depression haunted me throughout my teenage years. I never even had a boyfriend in high school! And I know it is because I was reserved and kept to myself. Thankfully, this is not me anymore, but the habitual thoughts from my depression like to creep in still. My depression left me 4 years ago, or was it that I was willing to work through it at that time, because I needed (need) to get my life in order, to provide for myself, and to become confident and happy? I stopped trying to have others fix me, whether it was family or the rare fling with a bar fly. I admit, though, when I did decide to start coming out of my shell, the flings made me feel ‘happy’, it took me a couple years to realize that I was not, and that I deserve better than someone who is not taking their life serious. I am finally able to say; I am ok with being single. It does not mean I do not want a relationship, I would like a partner, but I do not want to settle for less than I know I deserve. Maybe my standards are high, maybe unrealistic in the world of the millennials, but if what I want is not there, then I do not mind to be single forever. Ok, that was an exaggeration, but still. I am fine with being me, until the time comes, I feel someone has walked in my path to take the next step with, to build a relationship past the typical.

I always have followed my intuition, downfall of that is, no concrete plan for my future has ever been developed. I am working on that now, for myself, and also to show others I have a plan for my future.

So, at age 20, my depression peaked, and with it came a tale. I still have these images in my mind, though by this point I have one story (white diamond) completed, though it needs a lot of editing. I re-read this story about once a year, and I always am editing it, removing passages mainly, re-arranging sentences, expanding in some areas, condensing in others. It is not publishing worthy (yet), but those images stopped as soon as I wrote the last word and placed the period on the last page. The images had a voice, a name, a place. Now for the others to be silenced that’d be great! But writing is so draining…. I should have chosen an easier hobby.

SCREAM to Freedom is a symbol of the internal scream, yearning, to find my true self, for my dreams of making a contribution to society come true. While this scream is internal, it is loud and at the frontline of my mind, breaking the surface of my self-doubt, its vibrations making this doubt waver and become smaller and smaller with each step I take in external reality for them to come true. Each baby step, leads to larger steps, and complete accomplishments. I’ve come a long way, and there is always room for improvement. For now, I’ll let this internal ‘scream’ vibrate within me, until the doubt in my mind is 100% gone. ‘Inside myself’ is a reflection of this silent process. Stay tuned.

One thought on “SCREAM to Freedom

  1. Pingback: Year 5 – Dreams, Creative Expressions, Psychology & Alchemy, Affirmations, Accomplishments | Inside A Soul

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