I have had depression the majority of my puberty years, but when I was within those years I did not realize my depression. Within the solitude of depression, when I chose to be reserved, and had low self-worth, self-love, and self-confidence, I created worlds within my head, that have developed into stories and influenced my creative writing; 7 in total. Within the solitude of my depression I heard murmurs and saw flashes of images I didn’t understand, but I knew them to be part of my mind and not part of external reality; I later on in life, as I studied Psychology, I learned these flashes and murmurs where projections of some kind from my unconscious mind.
I began to hear mumbling of words and pix-elated images at the corner of my eye (dark shadows, a flash of white light) about the age of 12. This is when I became aware of my spirituality, and wanted to find an association to some belief, beyond Christianity (As a child, I was interested in Witchcraft, maybe I am of Earth Based religion at Heart). These images and voices (that called out my name, the only clear word I’d hear, sometimes even shouted), is part of the reason I became fascinated about psychology, in particular the dissociate disorders and Schizophrenia. I thought maybe something was wrong with me.
Through my internet chatroom conversations, someone introduced me to C.G Jung’s work, in particular with is work with Schizophrenia patients. I learned through C.G. Jung, nothing was wrong with me, and what I see/saw were symbols of my unconscious mind, yet to be understood. I learned through schooling, that these image can come, sometimes in the form of Schizophrenia episodes, in major depressive episodes. Maybe I had major depression and didn’t even know it? I have stopped labeling myself years ago. Furthermore, through my internet researches and library browsing, I came across the concept of spirit guides.
I spoke to an image I named whom I called a spirit guide, an image that came while I was reading a small book on angels that described the concept of a spirit guide, roughly this definition, from dictionary.com:
An entity which provides spiritual guidance through channeling or a mediumExamples
We receive messages from our spirit guides by getting a very strong feeling, a picture in our minds or even a voice in our heads.
These images, or contacts, typically occur when we are at a ‘low state’, when our defensive are down, or after a traumatic experience (life or death experience, danger, any form or trauma) that breaks down our emotional defensive. I was at a low point, almost ‘rock bottom’ when I was 19 years old, and this is how Ezekiel came in contact with me. Since the below entry, I have had little contact with this Image, I will write more about what I saw or felt in those depression times later on. I share in spurts and at random, so keep track of this blog if you’d like to hear more.
[star, cloud, crescent moon, wave, book with day dream cloud, no regrets with rectangle around it, SUCCESS]
Today (last night) my spirit guides left me; they became a part of me. I no longer need them in this reality. They [Ezekiel and Mary] are now part of my heart where the other “23” parts of me reside. This summer – the last of “no” responsibilities – is a dawning of the new ME. More like the uncovering of the true me. I no longer need to read the books and copy the author’s words. I’m to now finish what I started. I’m now ready to be independent and less shy; to show others that I KNOW things; to impress my teachers, to show my potential. I no longer wallow on the past nor fantasies about lost lovers. That is all in the past. By the fall I will have my independence! Somehow, someway, it all will change and I will remember my self and uncover the power within me.
(counting stars) ~ fly little bird ~
I have an animal guide: a lioness and sometimes her cubs, at random who I will speak about as well. My active imagination has kept me out of trouble, and helped me through my depression. I cherish it, so I write about it, and I hope you are curious to know and hear more.
Peace & always, love ❤