“Christmas is near. I’ll soon see my [oldest] brother and his wife… My mom lost her job in January, which is why she is wanting to move to Utah… I want to start actually living. I am not meant for Utah, but it’s a start. I know my grandfather will help me get started, well, I hope anyway.
Hope is all I have, most days I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how my mom and I will make it to Utah. I don’t want to miss anymore school. If we aren’t their by February then I’ll know we won’t make it their. I’d like to think I’ll continue school down here…, but I don’t know anymore. It would be nice, but I fear if I stay in [AZ] I’ll stay stuck. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I want to live my own life…”
[Little Christmas… hope… unknown… snow]
I wanted to run away with my mother, my manipulative security blanket, because I didn’t know how at the time to live my life on my own. I had dreams, same dreams I have today, but no direction on how to make them into reality. I just floated by, fumbled through life with confused emotions and thoughts and awkward shyness that affected my learning in my younger years because I chose not to ask questions (I use to think I was stupid, and if I asked questions about something I was confused about that I’d be bothering the teacher/person because I should know the answer, or I use to think maybe my peers will think I’m stupid). My focus was on others, not my self. Only the last 2 years have I really begun to focus on ME.
I am still in AZ, and I am not stuck in life. I never was. I have a support system, strong family ties, that help me in my life. I took this for granted in the past because I did not see it before, did not see that I’ve been nurtured until ready to blossom on my own. I am thankful for this nurturing, and I am glad to say I am ready to make it on my own… even if it scares the S*** out of me.
I am now, on my way, literally only STEPS away, to living, fully my own life.
*On 12.22.2015 my first niece was born J five years after this post was written… 2010 definitely was an insightful year*