My shell has been cracked, and I am stepping out of the canyon of the unknown to the ‘known’. Layers of me are peeling away. I am breaking layers to Truth. I am on my way to internal freedom.
‘To A Higher Plan’ by Bernard Higham (1817-1919)
(source: Sara la Rosa Pinterest)
Last year, exactly, on 01.02.2014 I began practicing Yoga. At first it was a mix of vinyasas here and there with no path of yoga to follow, a mix of sun salutations, twists, and warrior poses, basic foundation poses… On September 30th, 2015 I made the conscious decision to follow one path of yoga. These postures, I am learning, are the ones I have been drawn to from the beginning of my ‘Yoga Journey’.
I use to envision myself doing splits (standing and floor splits), and dancing poses (like Dancing Shiva). And even though Yoga is not part of Hinduism, I have always been fascinated about Hinduism (in fact I drew a picture, without consciously aware of it, of an Indian God, pointed out to me by a friend from India, who encouraged me to begin meditation. They were an online friend, but we Skyped briefly (even online friends can inspire you, not all people who chat online are Catfishes!). My intuitive interest in Indian culture led me to Yoga.
In 2011 I began taking long walks regularly (something I did with my mother between the year 2007 and ’08 when she was trying to get ‘skinny’, though of course she stopped walking regularly after 6 months and gained the weight she lost back…) but I stopped for a few years. In those few years I did NO SORT OF WORKOUT, and was depressed (not because I didn’t work out, but because I felt as if I wasn’t experiencing what my peers were experiencing [insert fairly a tale here].) I wanted to know ME, and be happy with ME, and be happy with being ALONE, since I always felt misunderstood (because of my mood swings, and I cry a lot [not as much as I use to but I still cry lol]) and that I was weird/crazy/maybe-schizophrenic (though at the time I knew nothing about schizophrenia, only that they hear ‘voices’ in there heads, which is a big misconception of Schizophrenia, but that could be a post another day, maybe on another blog…)
I heard voices in my head, but only my name called out in a whisper every now and then from the age of 7 to 13, and then if I stopped and listened I’d hear murmurs, but no clear words. Once I even heard a voice yell out my name, in my sister’s voice (she was sitting right beside me), and I looked to her but she didn’t say anything, she was just watching tv. I was curious why I heard these voices.
I also always saw images of what I call people, or you can say ‘imaginary friends’ though I didn’t call them friends, they didn’t even have names (many still don’t, yes on occasion they still come around…). I knew they were in my mind, yet some how real, and not many of them tried to take over my body or something (like in a personality disorder or schizophrenia). They were just there when I needed company. Some I later called ‘spirit guides’ others I disregarded as annoyances which I eventually repressed (though they come out in my dreams, but still only in pixy images…)
These images/voices led me to writing creatively. Some of the images in my head turned into characters with personalities, and a story (world) was created around them. I can say I have 7 “worlds” in my head (lol), and I desire to write them out one day. One is completed, in parts, not complete, but enough for those particular images to leave me alone. The voices and images want to be heard, want to be known, and want a name. Once they are acknowledged, accepted, and ‘listened’ to, they cease to come. But knowing when to listen is the key… they take the energy right out of you [which is what they live on] if you allow it… or they can give you energy, empower you, if you know how to partner with certain ones…
I’ve learned through my research, online primarily and some by word of mouth from a rare few I met in person, that many of what I see that gave birth to my creative nature, are ‘archetypes [patterns of thought/behavior]’ in my mind, and that what I see/perceive/hear comes from my unconscious, and it is very unique (apparently) that I’ve been aware and not shut off from those sides of me (it usually gets repressed/shut off by the age of 3 years old, when cognitive reasoning starts to develop in a child), but I have always been socially awkward (fearfully shy, though I’ve learned to work through my shyness the past 6 years or so, by experience life and the world, at least to some safe degree…).
Due to being what I call ‘socially awkward’ the images of my unconscious were never fully repressed, and they have guided me not only unconsciously, but consciously, throughout my life. Which has helped me in a lot of ways to make decisions, and gave me that feeling of ‘floating through life’ yet making it somehow without being fully aware of how I’m making it because I’m half with my head in the clouds and half on earth. It is a weird perspective to be in, now that I’m on the outside looking in at myself (in a figurative sense). I realize I am odd, but not in a bad way. My ‘oddness’ is what developed my empathetic nature, led to me to choose psychology as a career path, and led me to the study of mental/behavioral health.
I am scattered brained at best, but through developing a Yoga practice (finally narrowing it down to ONE path to follow), and listening to some mentors, I am learning to become ‘one pointed’ in thought, and beginning to feel the ground beneath my feet (literally and figuratively) and consciously aware when I am entering my fantasy world, and consciously leaving it behind while saying ‘it is ok, it won’t be forgotten, it will be there when you are ready for it, but only when I’m are ready’ (meaning only access the parts needed for guidance/and or if it requires to be accessed to further my stories).
Beginning this year, as my 1 year anniversary of CHOOSING Yoga (an intuition I’ve always held but never followed because I always thought you needed a teacher to start it, though traditionally speaking you do, but online has made it SO easy to do a home practice as long as you are dedicated and determined), I have decided to meditate regularly, something I stopped doing for a couple years. I go into periods of meditating for a couple weeks, making progress, then stopping for months on end, and then going into it… I have an urge to stick to it this time!
I have stuck to Yoga, and deepening my practice… maybe that is why I began meditating again… it is that point in my Yoga practice to do so… maybe it is what I needed to do all along: begin yoga, gain focus, confidence and determination, then enter meditation, something that is solely concentration…. Maybe it is all part of my plan on Earth… unconsciously I am driving towards my goals… what are those goals? I don’t have them on paper… I should write them on paper. Make things set in stone, so to speak, concrete, not just abstract, so I will know what to do… plan my life better like I should plan my novels…
Decisions decisions, choices choices… steps steps… DO IT. Just DO IT.
Namaste… (NO I do not say that during Yoga practice :P)
Om, shanti, shanti, shantini
[AUM, peace, peace, perfect peace]